I just wanted to say, to anyone who thinks the guys were wrong for going to the MAMAs.

Fuck you.

I think they did something really nice for the people that supported them and gave them the award. They deserve it, they worked hard for it. I guess I can count on one hand, the people who actually think they aren't assholes for going. Last time I checked, they didn't have to check with SooMan about going where they want to go.

And to anyone on my friends list who has a problem with it, yes you, you can go ahead and remove me because I don't have time to hear about your bullshit. I've had enough of it, anyway.

of course

next up are these books..

really? you know what it is that only i'm supposed to know? then please, enlighten me. since you know her so well that even when there's absolutely no hint at all to what it is, you of course know. because you know everything about her, right? well do you know how much you hurt her? do you know how badly i felt because i couldn't be there to hold her when i knew she was crying over you? how about this..do you know how much disgust and hate i have for you? since you know everything, did you know that? sure you did, because you know all. i bet you also know that when you fucked up her emotions, you ruined someone so complete and made her half of who she was.

but the fucking damage you caused didn't last for long because guess what? i came and made her who she used to be before you got your claws into her. i fixed the shit you did to her and this may be a little cocky but i made her a better person and gave her hope again. where you drained her of everything she was, i mended it all. never again will you hurt her like you did, because i'll make god damn sure of it. you think you're going to worm your way back to her, fuck that. i feel sick, thinking that i actually cared for you at one point. i can't believe that i actually wanted to be with you, because you're so beyond disgusting. to think that i wasted time on you when you tried to keep me from being friends with her, because you're some sick person who needs attention so badly that you'll hurt people for it.

know this, you will NEVER hurt her again or have her in a vulnerable enough state that you'll be able to get back to where you were with her. she's with me now, and you can suck my non existing cock, you fucking stupid cunt.

iminlikewithyou.com

so i'm leaving this public in hopes that anyone who comes across it will reccomend some reading material to me. i live within walking distance of the library and i could use something to read.

i like fiction, comedy, drama, suspense, and not-over-the-top romance. hopefully someone can reccomend a good book.

i had a ridiculously well thought out update about stupidity planned in my head that i was going to type out, but i changed my mind.

tonight, i went to my mom's ex's son's viewing and i swore to myself that i wasn't going to look in the room where the casket was. i swore just to look down and only look up when needed to. but the moment i got there, i accidently looked around to make sure i wasn't going to run into anyone, and i saw him laying there in the casket. of course, i looked away immediately and hugged my mom's ex, then excused myself to the bathroom. note; i'm a very private person when it comes to my emotions. i won't cry in public or in front of someone, if i can help it.

and so after i calmed myself down in the bathroom, i sat on a (really comfortable) couch in the back and just stayed quiet. i looked at the floor, played with my fingers, and basically just tried to blend in with the floral print of the sofa. i think i was sitting there about a half second before i kept hearing people asking someone else "how are you?" and i just thought...wtf? they're at a funeral for someone they love, how the fuck do you think they feel? and it kept going like that for..at least an hour. i kept asking myself how stupid is that question? "how are you?" it was said almost casual, were it not for the choked back sobs and the deep throaty tone you get when you cry and try to talk at the same time. i kept thinking about it and not understanding why they were asking that question. i honestly could not for the life of me get why they asked it.

so after an hour, i think, my mom's ex's other son came over and rubbed my shoulder, asked me if i was okay. i nodded yes so i wouldn't upset him and i kinda smiled, but he got the message like he used to and just left me be. he's always been like that, able to read people. he and i never got into arguments when we all lived together, mostly because we were both shy, even if he is a few years older. he's always been nice and respective of other people's privacy. his name's lee. the one that passed away, he was the oldest son so he was named after his dad, terry. they called him tj, for short. tj was so nice too, but it took him a while to warm up to us just moving in. this was seven, eight years ago. tevi brought up the other day how every night, we'd all sit down together as a family and eat dinner. my mom was so happy with terry, and his sons both adored all of us. but i'm getting off track with what this update is about.

i listened to the people talking, and after i broke down once lee walked away, i went into the bathroom to cry in private. but i heard the door open so i quit, and calmed myself down again. i went out to wash my hands, and i didn't look up so i didn't know who had come into the bathroom. so here i am, washing my hands with wet eyes and the lady beside me rubs my back and says "how are you, baby girl?" mind you, she's at least six years older than me. i told her i was okay and she rubbed my back a little more and just quietly left the bathroom. i broke down again. it wasn't until that moment that i realized the question is basically unavoidable. it's not stupid, it's not unneccesary.. it's to help people feel better. come to find out, the girl that asked me is someone i used to be really close to. i haven't seen her in about five years, since my mom and terry broke up. (i don't see him much, that's why i guess i haven't really mentioned him). her and her brothers used to be the people i would look forward to seeing when we went to grammy's (terry's mom) house for thanksgiving or christmas. we used to be so close, her brothers and i, because we went to school together for a year before my mom met terry.

it's just so crazy to me, because i haven't been to a funeral since my friend's mom died. almost exactly a year ago, same month, same funeral home. hell, even the same room. i guess i made this one huge rambling post out of one little thought i wanted to rant about, but it feels good to get it out. i had a long period of my life around these people that i hardly remember. so much has happened since the last time i saw them. and to see them like this really sucks. i don't know how long after tomorrow it will be until i see them again but i'm hoping not very long.

this entry felt really good, getting it off my chest.